We continue on like nothing happened

Today I discovered something new. I am unequivocally a goose. Why a goose, you ask? I am so quick to tell others a better way of them completing a task, encouraging them to save time, live a better and organized life, remember to brush their teeth, etc. but oddly enough, my room is the one that looks like the aftermath of Katrina as I type. I'm the one who forgets homework assignments at the last minute, but instead of devoting time to studying, decides to fulfill my writers urge of documenting my critical folly. I'm the one who, without blinking and/or comprehending that I was doing such, made the mistake of checking YouTube and then spent the following half hour absorbed in pointless makeup tutorials with abandon. And these weren't even your typical, improving ones. No, I watched how to make myself look like an Avatar, a Corpse Bride, Nikki Minaj and Twiggy. This is the low point.

Often enough, I keep most everything to myself. Through past experiences and even ones recently, I've been taught to keep silent, to internalize my anger or my shortcomings. People who know me well might find this odd, as I appear to be a quite straightforward and even slightly bombastic person. But no, in addition to my cavernous mind there's this corner in my heart where I absolutely hate admitting when I'm wrong. Which is why I struggle without arguing every accusation my mother or others present me with. Which is why I'm always angry at myself. I may smile, I may joke, I may appear to be genuinely at ease. But I'm not. Odd that it would take a keyboard and some free time for that to come out. I continue one like nothing happened, absorbed in this idea of maintaining a false image of myself - indeed, I am false. The walls I build to shelter me from ridicule can be quite solid at times. I may appear to be strong, but I'm weak. I hide in my cage. I do what I'm told and I don't make a fuss most of the time, and I behave like a good homeschooler ought. But that's just what everyone else thinks. I detest when I fail, but I don't do anything about it. I just continue forward, hoping that I right myself eventually. I can't feel that connection where I'm reprimanded, but the insight makes sense. I just feel dull.

So what do I do? How can I correct the damage that's already been done? What a simple answer - so evident, so pure. If we were left to our own designs, lagging around in the ideas of others and searching for truth in our own minds, how desperately lost we would become. Or are now. The element that binds the wounds, heals our hearts and minds and allows for our renewal is forgiveness. Not just forgiveness from others. Forgiveness from our heavenly Father, who lovingly gives to us the gift of salvation. With this, He allows us to find ways to improve. If we uplift prayer, asking earnestly for guidance and strength, how soon we improve.

It's when I'm at the low point that I begin to question everything. But the truth of the matter is - I can't improve myself. Our decrepit sinful nature doesn't give us room, so we spin and we spin and we lie to ourselves and others. And not to undermine the importance of parents and the instruction that forms us, but often being corrected often doesn't improve me. I just sneakily find a way to "fix" the problem, and move on to new patterns of deceit.

What do *you* do?