there's a reason why people are happier at Christmas. it's magical. everyone takes some time to focus on what matters, whether it be their family or their faith or their cat - you sit and stop for a second, breathing in the cold winter air, and you see the Christmas lights and you know it's going to be ok. there's so much hope and life and peace midst the traffic and the grouchy sales associate and the jingle bells. there's a moment where you let yourself enjoy the music and eat a little more than you should. it's the serenity on Christmas Eve when you sing "Silent Night" with your family, feeling incredibly warm on the inside. it's when you go to sleep and even though you're old enough to know better, the spirit that Santa Clause and the gang embody still makes you excited. 

you're happy, you're fulfilled. you don't need another sweater. you don't need to argue with relatives. you don't need to fret over the last detail. you are filled with hope for the new year and you celebrate because life is good. 

We continue on like nothing happened

Today I discovered something new. I am unequivocally a goose. Why a goose, you ask? I am so quick to tell others a better way of them completing a task, encouraging them to save time, live a better and organized life, remember to brush their teeth, etc. but oddly enough, my room is the one that looks like the aftermath of Katrina as I type. I'm the one who forgets homework assignments at the last minute, but instead of devoting time to studying, decides to fulfill my writers urge of documenting my critical folly. I'm the one who, without blinking and/or comprehending that I was doing such, made the mistake of checking YouTube and then spent the following half hour absorbed in pointless makeup tutorials with abandon. And these weren't even your typical, improving ones. No, I watched how to make myself look like an Avatar, a Corpse Bride, Nikki Minaj and Twiggy. This is the low point.

Often enough, I keep most everything to myself. Through past experiences and even ones recently, I've been taught to keep silent, to internalize my anger or my shortcomings. People who know me well might find this odd, as I appear to be a quite straightforward and even slightly bombastic person. But no, in addition to my cavernous mind there's this corner in my heart where I absolutely hate admitting when I'm wrong. Which is why I struggle without arguing every accusation my mother or others present me with. Which is why I'm always angry at myself. I may smile, I may joke, I may appear to be genuinely at ease. But I'm not. Odd that it would take a keyboard and some free time for that to come out. I continue one like nothing happened, absorbed in this idea of maintaining a false image of myself - indeed, I am false. The walls I build to shelter me from ridicule can be quite solid at times. I may appear to be strong, but I'm weak. I hide in my cage. I do what I'm told and I don't make a fuss most of the time, and I behave like a good homeschooler ought. But that's just what everyone else thinks. I detest when I fail, but I don't do anything about it. I just continue forward, hoping that I right myself eventually. I can't feel that connection where I'm reprimanded, but the insight makes sense. I just feel dull.

So what do I do? How can I correct the damage that's already been done? What a simple answer - so evident, so pure. If we were left to our own designs, lagging around in the ideas of others and searching for truth in our own minds, how desperately lost we would become. Or are now. The element that binds the wounds, heals our hearts and minds and allows for our renewal is forgiveness. Not just forgiveness from others. Forgiveness from our heavenly Father, who lovingly gives to us the gift of salvation. With this, He allows us to find ways to improve. If we uplift prayer, asking earnestly for guidance and strength, how soon we improve.

It's when I'm at the low point that I begin to question everything. But the truth of the matter is - I can't improve myself. Our decrepit sinful nature doesn't give us room, so we spin and we spin and we lie to ourselves and others. And not to undermine the importance of parents and the instruction that forms us, but often being corrected often doesn't improve me. I just sneakily find a way to "fix" the problem, and move on to new patterns of deceit.

What do *you* do?

Ramblings

I'm new to the concept of blogging, but I think an underlying gist is typing one's reflections, accomplishments and things that one doesn't understand. I don't mean this in a manner such as genius ideas for another way of organizing one's stacks of baby clothing in a way other than what their friends and mother suggested and therefor making oneself feel like a DIY guru. I hope that through posting the things I can't wrap my head around, someone who reads this takes a moment to pause from sipping their chai latte and nods their head, thinking "yeah, I get that" and comments. I hope that the words I choose to type justify and convey the emotion or the thought that fuels my need for writing at this ungodly and frankly, illegal hour.

First off, a confession. I am obsessed with soundtrack music. Songs with cinematic influence tend to have more soul, and therefor capture not only my attention, but my imagination. Call me crazy, but I not only mentally choreograph dances but also stage deaths, write more music, and place images or recent instances into the plot of the notes. The song, however simplistic, can represent the most elemental concept or the most chaotic theme in my life, and it is within the measures of rhythm and chords that I am able to attempt to organize my life - or at least make myself feel thus. This fake realization can also backfire and make homework and other obligations seem quite undesirable. Who would rather read Don Quixote than listen to Across the Stars? It's when I have to come back to reality and stop dreaming about Hayden Christensen's penetrating eyes that I become depressed, for in real life Jedi unfortunately do not exist outside of the compartmentalized bowels of some obscure Department of Defense building.


 To quote Sarah's economics instructor, "It’s a fine line between sanity and insanity." – G. Hayward, Economics.

With that, I force myself to go to bed. More soon to follow.

A song

This is simply why I love this soundtrack. It can be dark and pensive, but also so alive and progressive. You're welcome.

                                                          Ending Credits

A prayer I wrote the other day

Thank you for the situations that I can not control, for they shape the person I am to become by pushing my limits and helping me understand how to define who I really am and am not. Please give me strength, the grace and the knowledge to cope in the best manner with the situations that You place before me. Let my responses be a testament of your goodness - may they reflect my Creator and who I wish to be. May my actions, thoughts, and words never deviate from Your heavenly goal, and may Your will be accomplished as you see fit through me, Oh Lord.